Mourning
by It'sAllGooeyAndSticky
Summary: When you cook, if someone tampers with the recipe, things can go horribly wrong. Right? Well, this one's worse. Not only can they go wrong if someone tampers with it. They can go wrong if you don't stir just right. Sorry Kevin. We all still love you.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

I Am warning you NOW! This story does not make sense in the least! Or at least… that's what I think. I wrote it because I am so depressed, and I am doing very badly. So if you are looking for a story with a really good plot,… this is so not it. I post it up here only for one reason. To see what the rest of the world thinks. So positive and negative reviews are welcome. Good day to you all.

**DISCLAIMER:**

This is a Kenny/Kevin pairing. If you do not like this pairing please do not continue reading. The author realizes that he/she does not own nor is a part of South Park. Ownership of the above mentioned television series/cartoon Etc., is solely the property of its owners and/or producers and the network to which this applies.

**Mourning**

**Chapter 1**

**Daddy was a crack fiend. Two in the mornin' had us runnin' 'round the block like a track team.**

I was running as fast as I could. Kevin right behind me. We were both breathing fast trying to keep ourselves together as we ran. Mom and dad bringing up the rear. Barbrady was a dumbass most of the time, but when he needed to be dumb… he actually worked for something. If that made any sense. So, now we were running from him and Yates. It's not like I wanted to be in this situation.

Kevin was eighteen. I was Sixteen. I had dropped out to make use of myself in other ways. I was a cook with my dad and Kevin. We were all in charge of a clandestine meth lab in South Park. Only three people brave enough to make the damn stuff if you ask me. It's easy to make. But one wrong move and blow up the whole entire house. Fuck.

So now, because Cartman had found out, he had turned us in. Barbrady was not going to play dumb and let this one slide.

… … … … …

We escaped that one and it happened two weeks later. It was late at night or early in the morning and it happened again. We were running from the cops and ducking out from at least two different units. Kevin and I were in the lead and dad was egging us on. Kevin was holding the cooler full of stuff and I was holding the tank of Ammonia I'd stolen from rancher Jenkins's farm.

What can I say. This kept happening all the time. I couldn't stop it, Kevin sure as hell couldn't. Mom and dad didn't want to. So it was our lives.

"Run Kenny!" Kevin shouted as we all ran. "Kenny run!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**When you burned the house down, and my brother was in it. How could I forget it. The pain is infinite.**

It happened two months after the last time we almost got caught. We had moved to an abandoned house just behind some woods before you get to Stark's Pond. It was right near where Kevin and I used to hang out with our friends.

We were all making the fifth batch and someone came up to our not-so-secret hideout. It was strange that there would be a knock at the door. Mom went and looked to see who it was. His name was Bobby. He was another known dealer from Denver. He had beef with dad, Kev and I because we found a way to make more Meth without cutting it with horse feed. Yes… that is actually what they do. They cut it with horse feed.

He got into a fight with my dad, and me. He got into a big row with Kevin. Kevin wouldn't back down so quickly. Before I knew what was happening, Bobby threw something into the pot of Meth we'd been cooking. There was a ball of flames and screaming. The empty house went up in flames and suddenly everything was dark. I could hear mom and dad shouting and running. I felt something graze my head but nothing happened to me.

"Kenny!" Kevin shouted. "Get out of here!"

"Kevin!" I shouted. "Kev? Kevin!" I couldn't see him. Soon, I was swept out and my brother was gone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**He's my king and I ain't even British.**

The pain was incredible. I felt like I was being torn apart. Kevin was sitting with me as blood flowed onto the sidewalk. He was stroking my hair as tears fell from his eyes. I was fourteen, he sixteen. He had just found me dying because Cartman made it a game to kill me every week. He was the only one besides my family who really knew my secret. He had knocked me out and sliced my chest open. I woke up from unconsciousness to find myself lying in a pool of my own blood. Dude fucked me up. He gave me a little treat. He apparently took a knife and sliced up my back. Now my lungs stuck out at odd angles and looked like wings. Gross.

"I love you, Kevin." I sobbed. "I'm glad you're always here when I die, and when I wake up."

"Don't talk, Ken." He said softly kissing my forehead. "I'm right here. I'll make it better." He vowed.

The next day I woke up and Kevin was there with me. My head was hurting so intensely bad, but at least Kevin was there. He leaned down and kissed my lips gently. He smiled down at me.

"I love you."

"Don't say that." I said as I slid away from him. "You always ruin perfectly nice moments, dammit." I moaned. "I hate you, Kevin."

"Hate?" he asked laughing. "Hate is a very strong word." He said smiling. "Hate. You gotta stop using that word, Prince." He said laughing. H always called me that. Prince. I don't know where it came from.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**He's the only reason that I went to school and I finished.**

We were in the ward at Hell's Pass after the fire. Kevin was lying beside me covered in third degree burns. I didn't really know how to deal with this. He was strong. He was a fighter. The doctors said he wouldn't make it. I hated this feeling. Not knowing whether Kevin was out of the clear or not. Doctors kept coming in and applying orange stuff to his burns. He almost had no recognizable facial features.

"I want you to promise me, Ken." He said at one point. "You'll go back to school. It's not too late to start back up again." He said softly. "I don't want you to do what mom and dad were forced to do." He said softly. "You have to make something of yourself."

"Kevin I don't need to." I said softly as tears filled my eyes. "I can't die… remember? If I starve myself it doesn't matter."

"It matters to me, Kenny." Kevin said softly. "You have to promise me you'll go straight to school and finish up."

So, I had. I finished when I turned twenty-to. I am twenty-three now and still falling apart. Which is why I had to write this all on paper. Because I feel like killing myself all the fucking time. Because my life has spiraled out of control and I have no idea what or where I'm going. I'm going to counseling to deal with all of this, and it was her idea that I write down everything I feel in this, … book type thing. I don't know whether to call it a story or journal… or what. I'm starting to cry again, so I'll stop there.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**He told me that I had talent. Got on his knees and prayed for me, when I started bein' violent.**

It was sixth grade and I was caught beating up another student for stealing my stash of weed. To Kevin's disappointment, I had started doing drugs. I had started pushing on the younger elementary schoolers. Stan Kyle and Cartman all left. Stan and Kyle, because I was the bad influence now. Cartman just left because he didn't ever give a fuck.

I was now sitting in detention and Kevin had been called down to see me. Since my mom and dad were too busy fucking, fighting, drinking or getting stoned. I don't know or care which.

"How the fuck could you?" Kevin asked. "Why the fuck did you have to go and do this, Kenny?" he asked as he stood there. " I am-"

"Yeah Yeah Yeah!" I said not wanting to hear his bullshit. "Very disappointed in me. Like I haven't heard that one a lot before." I said bitterly as I sat in the desk.

"Kenny I don't fucking understand!" Kevin had said as we both faced each other. "Kenny you're a bright kid!" he shouted. "How the hell is it I'm the one out of drugs, and you're the one that really fucking needs to clean shit up?" he asked. "Kenny you got a lot to prove to mom and dad!"

They loved Kevin more than me. They hated me because of my infinite curse. I couldn't die. I can't ever die. They thought I was a devil. Demon Spawn they said. I hated it. Yet Kevin loved me. He showed time and again that he loved me. I love him, too. Fuck. This hurts!

"Kenny you've got everything you need to be a lot more than they did." Kevin said the same day when we both were getting ready to go to sleep. "I want you to get your act together, Ken. For me, dammit!" he begged. "I don't wanna have to see you in jail permanently."

"I'll just kill myself and be back later." I said matter-of-factly.

He pleaded with the higher power. I caught him at it several times. The trouble became worse and I was in detention more often. I hated it. I hated it, yet I went deeper into it. I couldn't stay away. I pushed to the younger kids 'til about ninth or so grade. I don't know when I stopped. But damn.

"Kenny where the fuck did I go wrong?" he asked as he got me out of the principal's office one afternoon.

"You don't have to be asking yourself that." I said laughing bitterly. "Mom and dad do, though."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

*But I'ma die tryin'. And when I'm done cryin', grab the iron. Black out, like I'm retirin'.**

The pain is infinite. It's the hardest to deal with when I'm alone and I have to think. My mom and dad are still here in town. I live with them, in order to save money. I still stay in our room.

It's hard when there's an empty side of the small low twin we used to share. It's hard when I feel alone. When there just isn't the one person to talk to.

I grabbed my pillow and slid it over my head. The hot tears slid down my face. He promised he'd never leave me. I felt myself crying into the pillow for what felt like the hundredth time today.

"Where are you now?" I ask. "Are you okay? Do they take care of you? Did you heal? Why is it I can't go with you?"

Realization hits me and I start to bawl as I rock back and forth. "There's no one to stay with me when I die!" I sobbed. "Kevin! Kevin! You said you'd be here whenever you could!"

I can feel my gut start to seize up and I want to vomit all the bile in me. I don't eat very much. Kevin would kill me if he knew. But that's just it. I don't feel like anything. I feel so meaningless. So empty in this place without him. Without my big brother. He was my other half. My right hand. He was everything to me.

I grabbed the crow bar outside my window and I smashed it over my head. I was not dead. No. Sadly. I was just out cold. It was a safety I loved to use. Away from the pain. Away from all the noise of the world that I didn't want to deal with right now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**He saw somethin' in me that… to this day, I unno if I could be that.**

I am working on getting a transfer degree from the Denver Community college. I really want to go somewhere good. Still think about him every night before I go to sleep and wonder if the choices I'm making now have been up to his standards. Kevin was a smart kid. He just wasn't good with literacy. I was the other way. I wasn't good with numbers. We helped each other in those ways. He taught me about math, and I taught him to read. I swear he had Dyslexia. But he was just never tested.

Am I doing what you asked, Kevin? Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing well enough for him. What the hell he saw in me… I do not know.

I'm twenty-three and stand at about five six. I'm still way too thin. I still don't eat very well, and still deal with grief. Depression. All kinds of stuff. I still deal with his loss. My big brother. I hope, I'm doing well in his eyes.

"I love you, Kenny." He said after I cleaned my mouth off. He was driving home from a party at a friends of his's house. I was sitting at his feet fixing his jeans and buckling his belt back up. He was stroking my hair with one hand as he steered with another hand. We were probably gonna get caught and arrested for public indecency.

"Shut up or I'll never blow you again." I said bitterly.

"You didn't "Blow" me." He said with huge air quotes around the term. "You made love to my dick, sweet heart." He said as he turned left on our drive.

"Fuck you." I muttered.

"We both know damn good and well that you are a bottom, Ken." He said smiling down at me. "So it wouldn't work very well."

We were both lying beside each other half an hour later. I still didn't know what he saw in me that was so damn special.

"I love your personality, Kenny." He whispered as if reading my mind. "I love your innocence. To the world you're a very charming well behaved teen. I know all your secrets, and I know you've been bad." He said smiling. "That beautiful smile doesn't fool me."

"You're just drunk." I said as he stroked my cheek. "Go to sleep Kevin."

He laughed a very deep laugh. He leaned over and kissed me. I melted and my arms wrapped around him. I let out a soft moan.

… … … … …

That had been so long ago. Now I think back on it, and wonder still what it was that he saw in me. I'm just a boy. Not really ordinary since I can not die. But… I am, after all, just a boy.

"I think you're special, too, Kevin." I said softly as I laid in the empty lonely twin. " I love you, too."


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Nightmares o' you killin' my brother. The reason that I sleep wif my head under the covers.**

I shake every time. I see the dark outline of a struggling Kevin. I hear him shout. I shout as the flames lick at my clothing. But I feel nothing. I feel emptiness. He shouts for me to save him. I see his pleading face for only minutes. I need him to be okay. But… it's not that way.

I wake up drenched in sweat, sometimes blood from biting at my mouth. Wake up and cannot go back to sleep. No matter how hard I try. I am lost. I am drowning in confusion. All these questions in my head.

I see Bobby standing there before he throws the… whatever he threw into the rogue batch of Meth. I see him leer at me almost as if to say "I got you where it hurts, you short midget."

Do they treat you okay? Are you watching me? Do you know… I still love you?


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**And they shoulda thrown the book at you. Cuz I hate you so much that it burn when I look at you.**

The next couple years were the worst. His death was a shock to mom and dad both. Thing is, we all thought he was going to be okay.

Bobby Blake's trials went on for two and a half years. He was not charged like he shoulda been. He was let off and acquitted of all charges. He was tried for third degree murder. He was the one who gave my brother the death sentence. I hate him. I want him arrested and put to death. I hate him.

I swore to Kevin his death would be worth it. But now as I lay here writing, it feels like with each passing day… it just isn't. It's just not worth what he paid. He needs to be beside me. He needs to be near me.

Do you know I still miss you? Do you know I need you so much? Do you know I may not be trying as hard or as good as you want me to? Do you think about me, Kevin? Where are you now?

My heart is breaking again. I'm falling apart. Again. I can't handle this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Damn I wanna run to you. Hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how I miss you.**

Kevin was there when I revived every time I died. It had all started out some time when I was fourteen. He had witnessed me being thrown from a bridge. I did end up landing in the deep part of the river this time. Fuck. I died of a head injury. But the point is, when I came out of that death two days later, (Sometimes it takes me a little longer to revive.), he loved me. I remember it all clearly.

I ran to him as he stood there pacing the place. I woke up in a field near the bridge. He smiled dimly at me as I headed to him. He smiled brighter as I took him in my arms, and he took me in his.

"Love you, Kenny." He said smiling. He leaned in and his lips pressed into mine. I felt wanted. Felt loved. I needed this.

"I hate you." I said frowning. "Big brothers are so fucking irritating."

"I love you too." He would say as I held him.

This had been happening to me since. When I died, he would be right there to reassure me. To tell me that he was there for me. That he loved me. He would be right there.

Now I can't do that. Tears slide down my cheeks as I think. Now… I can't run to you. I can't hold you. I can't be safe in your arms, Kevin. You left me. How come it's been this long… and I still can't get over you? Have you moved on? Or do you think about me? Ever? Do you still love me?


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

**Thought I would have a sun for you. But now it's official. It's over and I can't let you go.**

My brother always told me. There's a place for everyone in the sun. Everyone belongs here for a reason. Sometimes it's really clear, and other times it's not so obvious. I thought that as long as he was alive, in my eyes, Kevin McCormick would take the whole sun.

When he passed… I knew. It was gone. The sun that lit my path was gone. I had… I have… I will have nothing. This is where my life has been ripped to shreds. Or something similar. I hate how I feel. I can't let go of his memory, and go on. I can't just be happy and think of all the good times. It's hard for me. I can't.

I step into the grave yard and see his stone. I walked over to it, and stared.

"This has been here for… eight years now, Kevin." I say as I kneel down. "And I still can't move on. I may need more counseling if the ten year mark comes around." I pull a half dozen roses from my jacket and place them on his grave.

The stone has a finality to it. This trip that I took, it does too. I feel something disconnect from me, and it's as if I'm almost there. I'm almost reborn again. I just… need a few more steps. Just a few more.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

**But I gotta let you know. All the shit I did make me feel like I'm dyin' real slow.**

I was the one who saved people. I was the one who saved all the innocent civilians. I was Mysterion. I felt exhausted. I wanted death so bad when I was a kid. I kept dying, and coming back. I kept returning.

Even so, it was bearable. It was something I had, and I was willing to deal with. Especially after my brother and I became extremely close. I mean, he would save me from deaths if he could do it once in a while. But mostly he would just let me die. When we became close like… well, like we did, he told me he'd always be there when I needed him. He knew my curse. So it was no big deal. Really.

But now? Now I have absolutely no one. Kyle thinks it's cool to have a power like that, even though he doesn't remember saying it. Hell, those guys wouldn't remember if I wrote it down for them! The power does that. It makes you forget.

But Kevin didn't forget. He stayed with me. Now… he's gone. I hate this so fucking much. I hate it with a passion. He needed to be here for the time I really needed him.

Once he left… everything started to be strange and suicidal again. I kept offing myself hoping someday it would be the day. I hated that he was no longer there. I hated it.

I felt trapped. I felt myself die a little more inside with each passing day. He was gone. The only person who ever loved me back… was gone.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

**Cuz no one understands me… They don't know what to do when I'm hurt… when I'm angry.**

"I just really want to go away for a while." I said as Kevin held me in his arms. I was fourteen and Cartman had just finished with me. He taunted me. He bullied me. He knew it drove me mad. Kevin was sitting on our bed holding tight to me. The crow bar I was about to use lay forgotten on the floor.

"It's going to be okay." Kevin said softly. "Look, lil' bro. I really think he's just doing it to irritate you. In getting mad, you're letting him know it's working."

He took me out to eat that day. He took us to City Wok. We both hardly ever got Chinese food.

There were several situations like that. Where I found myself sitting alone and no one else got me. Even mom and dad didn't get me. They knew my curse and hated me for it. Kevin was always getting more than me. But Kev knew I needed him. He stayed for me. He loved me. Sure that could be wrong, but he loved me.

We were headed home from a party and Kevin was buzzed. He had drank a few beers and he had smoked a joint. Both of us were quiet as we entered the house. We headed up to our room and got ready for bed.

I was lying on the side of the bed I usually took. Kevin was right beside me. Every once in a while I could smell his unique scent. Suddenly, he leaned into me and his arms wrapped around me. He kissed me.

It wasn't a forced kiss. Or a sexy lets' make out all night kiss. His lips gently came to meet mine and he held it for a while. His arms tightened around me and he lay quite still. He held me close and pulled back.

"I want you." He said softly.

It was a phrase I loved to hear. He seldom said it, and when he did, I felt loved. "Tell me again." I said softly as I kissed him softly back.

"I want you, Ken." He said as he held me. "For the rest of our lives."

He knew just how to calm me down. The assumptions of the others were wrong. Kevin didn't use sex to calm me down. He did it other ways. He calmed me down by listening. By caring. He knew just what to do. Even as a baby he took care of me.

Do you know I'm writing this story about you? Do you even care? Have you met Tupac Shakur?


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

**You was my friend and my man and my daddy.**

I slid into the bathroom quietly as I heard him showering. I slid in and I stripped. I walked towards the certain and pushed it open sliding in. He smiled as he saw me.

"Dammit I can't even shower by myself without a little pest around." He said softly.

"Hi." I said smiling shyly at him.

"Hi." He echoed.

"Hi Kevin." I said giving him a very childish grin.

"Hi baby." He said as he came and wrapped his arms around me.

"Mmmmmm." I moaned into his neck. "Hi, Kevin." I whispered.

"Hi, honey." He said giving me a soft kiss on the mouth. "You smell nice."

Kevin had that kind of attitude around me. He was honest about my details. About anything he wanted to convey or say.

"You're so small." He said smiling down at me.

"I know." I said grimly.

"Small people are good." He said smiling. "I happen to be turned on by small short Kenny." He said smiling down at me.

"Kevin?" I asked as I hugged him tight.

"What baby?" he asked smiling.

He acted like a dad more than my dad acted like a dad. He was down at the principal's office for me more than for himself. He was down at the teachers' office more than for himself too. He stuck up for me defending all my weaknesses. He punished me when I went wrong. No sexual innuendo intended.

"Kenny how could you?" he asked when he caught me with my first joint.

"Kevin please!" I shouted. "You do weed too!"

"Don't give me that bullshit!" Kevin shouted. "There's a fucking time and a place for everything Kenny! It's not South Park Middle School." He explained bitterly.

"Dude! You're such a fucking dad… you know that?"

"I will continue being a dad until you fucking listen to all your teachers."

He was also there when I first announced I was a drop out.

"I am very disappointed in you, Ken." He said softly that night. "You have a lot to go for, and you're jus' gonna throw it all away."

"School's not for me." I said softly. "I'd rather learn to cook like you and dad."

"Kenny it's not all you have to lean on!" Kevin had shouted with eyes full of tears. "Cooking Meth can only get you so fucking far in life!" he had shouted. "I fucking hate how you're throwing all the shit you're blessed with away!"

"Blessed with?" I shouted as I punched him in the mouth. "I can't fucking die! If I do get thrown in jail, I can just fucking kill myself and everyone will forget! Then I can escape and go right back."

"Fuck you." Kevin had said bitterly. "Just because you can't die you think it's cool to fucking blow your brains out the moment you don't wanna deal with some' or when you get into a bad situation. What if one day you stop coming back?" he asked seriously. "I'm Kenny and I can jus' off myself whenever the fuck I want! What if… one day… you don't come back?"

"Then good riddance for me!" I shouted. "Mom and dad will have one less mouth to feed!"

"What about me!" Kevin shouted. "I love you!"

"Well… I fucking hate you."

I regret it now. All of it. Not finishing school. Learning to cook like them. I hate how said I hate you to Kevin all those times. He never took me seriously, but I did hurt him. I could tell. I could always tell. He considered me his best friend. That… I think, is why he strived so much to help me whenever he could. He was kind of like the dad I never had. Dad took me to boy scouts only like… twice and only because there was brews involved. Not because he really gave a fuck.

Do you know how much I fucking miss you? How broken I am and full of anger inside? Kevin? Kevin! I'm talking to you! Fucking answer me god dammit!


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

**You was there when that bitch tried to stab me.**

My face was shoved down into the concrete as I tried to get away. There was yelling and Todd Martinson was holding me to the ground. I felt the blade hit my throat and there was shouting.

"If shorty tries to run you stab." One of his friends said as I lay there shouting.

There was loud voices and a sound of shouting and a huge bang and slap. Soon the person holding me let me go and I was lying on the wet cold grass staring into the earth. I felt hands grab me and turn me around. It was strange but I felt nothing. I didn't feel frightened as the blade came down against my throat. There was more shouting and I saw a different frame loom over me this time. The cold hand on my neck was replaced with a different one. A very thin warm one. I looked up and saw Kevin.

I was carried home thirty minutes later after the deal had been sorted. The meth was not a miss cooked batch. It was fine. Hadn't even cut it with horse feed this time. It was twenty grams of pure meth. Kevin wasn't proud of me.

"Next time you wanna get stabbed do me a favor." He said bitterly. "Fucking wait until I'm not around."

I owed him a life time. He had saved my life. I owed him that much. I needed to make every day count after my brother died.

Kevin dammit! I fucking want you! I'm alone here. I'm starving. I'm sick. I'm angry. I am so lost. Fuck, big brother where the hell is you?


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

**Anything I ever needed, knew you had me.**

I was standing at Kevin's auto mechanic shop. I had just received a speeding ticket for two-hundred dollars. I knew even with the little bit of money I made at the tattoo shop, I wouldn't be able to pay it in time. I would be fined even more for being a juvenile, and driving under age. So I had to pay it off in order for mom and dad never to see what I had done. My pleading and begging needed to start taking effect right about now.

"The answer is… no." Kevin said bitterly. "Kenny there is no way I have that much money right off the bat to help you pay for your stupid speeding ticket." Kevin said bitterly.

"Kev, please!" I begged. "If you don't help me with a little of it, mom and dad will find out I've been driving without a license, and I'll get in total trouble. Then even if I do save up enough money on my own, mom and dad won't let me get that permit and driver's license." I explained.

"You should have thought about that before you got your sorry ass in trouble, huh, Ken?" Kevin asked a little sad. "I am just trying to work up enough sympathy for you. I'm trying… trying… nope!" he shouted smiling. "Still no!"

In the end, Kevin had made sure mom and dad didn't find out about the speeding ticket. He had also helped me get a job with Lu Kim after I got fired from the tattoo parlor. I didn't do anything bad. They just liked Craig over me. I have to say though. They don't trust Craig with a needle on skin. He can not draw worth shit! But don't tell him I told you. That was seven months before Kevin passed away.

… … … … …

Kevin and I had just returned from a party at Kyle's. I thought of the first time Kevin had… well, had "loved" me. I wondered in my mind if Kevin was only with me for sex. I didn't think so, on account of the fact that he had done a lot for me already. But still. He seemed to be reading my mind.

"Kenny?" He asked as he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you."

"Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good moment with that shit?" I asked bitterly unaware I was hurting his feelings.

"You love me too, Ken" Kevin said softly. "Otherwise you'd stop me or call out rape whenever I make love to you." He said making me shiver.

"Aaaahh. Don't use those words, Kevin. Gross. I'm not girlie, and neither are you." I moaned trying to pull away from Kevin.

"It's not girlie, Ken." Kevin said bitterly. "Ugh. Whatever. I'm the one who should be asking you why you have to ruin such perfect moments…"

"I'm sorry, Kevin." I said softly as I pulled myself out of the flash back. "I do love you!" I said as tears fell from my eyes again. "I wish I could go back and tell you how fucking lost I am without you."

… … … … …

Kevin had found me almost dead one night when I was fourteen. Mind, before then Kevin was nice to me as well. He made sure I had everything I needed and wanted. Today was no exception.

"Kenny!" he shouted as he came up on me on the sidewalk bleeding. "Kenny what happened to you little brother!" he shouted as he knelt down beside me.

"I got ran over by a car." I whispered. "Stay with me?" I asked.

"Yes!" Kevin said with tears in his eyes. "Kenny we could take you to a hosp-"

"No." I said softly as I took his hand. "Don't. Just leave me here. I'll be back soon." I gasped. "Stay with me Kevin."

He had leaned down and held me gently. His clothing soaking with blood as mine did too. He had stayed the whole time. He saw I was fading. He leaned down and kissed me. His lips felt wonderful on mine.

"I love you, Kenny." He sobbed as I faded away.

"I love you, Kevin. Thank you for staying with me."

Now who was going to stay with me when I died? How in the hell did he know? Every time I died, he would show up a little beforehand. Every time I was about to awake the next day he would be right there. How had he known that I died? That I was injured? Now there was no one to know all this stuff. Mom and dad didn't really care and Cartman just hated me. Kyle and Stan would never understand. Kyle had even said once that that should be the greatest power to have! But it's like… I don't want it to be this way! Not without someone to give a damn every time I died. Kevin?

He had my back every time! How had the higher power managed to take this one thing away from me? How had the higher power in control managed to take what was rightfully mine? The only one little piece of … love that I had? Fucking shit! Kevin always had my back. For the smallest shit, too! Fuck that god damned meth lab! Fuck!


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

**Cuz o' you all the chicks couldn't stand me.**

No one knew quite what Kevin and I had going. Stan, Kyle and Cartman didn't know or even think about what Kevin and I were. No one knew. But it was because of him that all the girls hated me. They all had drool over me crushes, but I wouldn't ever date anyone. I was already taken as far as they knew. The game was trying to find out who I was taken by. No one ever did. Even during the times when Kevin and I were flat out erotic in public. It was all swept under the rug. It was something no one ever figured out about us.

But hey. As Nelly Furtado says… "All good things come to an end."

I hate this feeling. I mix the next batch of Meth up for distribution and dad came in. He wants me to cut the meth with corn starch. TO make it look like it's more than it actually is. Dude we are so gonna get into trouble one of these days. Fucking shit.

Kevin now would be a good fucking time to burst in on this, bro. Now would be a fucking good time to say, "Dad we really shouldn't be doing this."

I wonder if you're safe? The reason I'm not so depressed right now is because I have to think about what goes into the meth. I can't be all morbid when I'm cooking. But if it was any other time, I would definitely be bawling my eyes out right now.

There was a bang and I was on fire. See what I mean? Meth just blew up in my face. Fucking shit!


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

**So why hurt you? That's the question.**

"Kenny, we've been talking… your friends and I."

It was father Maxy. He was sitting with me in the hospital two days after the second Meth lab explosion. He was holding the IV needle that I'd tried so many times to pull out.

"Yeah?" I asked sadly.

"We're considering… putting you in a ward." He explained. "This is the sixth attempt at suicide." He said as he sat beside me. "Kenny we really care about you. You have _got to get through this." He said softly. "Kenny we all love you. He loved you."

"Father Maxy," I said looking at him. "Will you please let me handle this in my own way?"

He sighed. "I will pray for you my boy." He said softly. "If you need me, you know where to find me."

Why? The question was, why? Why would there be any type of fate that involved my brother blowing up in a meth lab? What kind of God is there? Why is it that Kevin had lived as long as he had, just to get blown up? The worst part is, he's not part of the occult! He's not the one who dies and comes back every single fucking time! I am. Not him. So, why would the god allow this to happen? Why would the higher power allow such a thing to happen? I mean, he was just a good kid trying to be himself. Now he was six feet under. Why would the higher power want to hurt me? By hurting Kevin? I am talking in circles to myself!

I felt like I was going through a haze of smoke or something. Everything was slow motion. Everything. It was all… wrong. I couldn't stop the tears. Why?


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

**It took this long for me to learn my lesson. Cuz now all I want is peace and get drama. I finally understand the true meanin' o' Karma.**

I am sitting in Juvenile hall. I got caught. I got caught dealing. My mom and dad are officially in jail. Kevin's still dead. I am so fucking in trouble, it's not funny. There was a knock on the glass, and I looked up to see who was there. It was Kyle.

"Kenny this needs to stop." The seventeen year old said as he stared at me. "I am here to take you with me."

"No." I said softly. "I'll just go back to dealin' again. Maybe I'm safe here." I said as I laid down on my cot.

"Kenny this is insane!" Kyle shouted. "We both know it's not you! Kenny, look, bro. I'm very sorry about Kevin. I'm so fuckin' sorry about the loss of your brother. But Ken, this is no way to be. Getting thrown in jail and beat up every night for some stupid ass reason. I'm here to take you with me. Come on."

Five minutes later Kyle and I were in his car. He was driving home. I was crying. I couldn't help it.

I spent the night at his place. For a while. But I couldn't go to sleep. So I snuck out his window and put on my Mysterion costume. I walked all the way to the church. Father Maxy was sitting there in one of the pews staring at the altar in front of him.

"Ah, Kenneth." He said softly. "I've been waiting for you." He said smiling at me. "I knew you'd come and find me."

"How?" I asked as I sat beside him.

"I had a feeling, my son." He said softly.

"I just want my life back." I said softly. "I don't want to be depressed all the time. I don't want to mourn Kevin too much. I don't want to have to cook meth just to feed myself. Now mom and dad are gone, and 'm all by myself. Kyle, bailed me out." I explained.

"Yes. Your Jewish friend." He said smiling. "He's a very nice boy. He really likes you. You two seem to get along very well."

"Yes." I said softly. "He's a very big part of my life."

He was. He had helped me out with so many things it wasn't even funny. His mom liked me. But then again, all the moms in South Park loved the two McCormick boys. We were so close. They all said. The perfect example of how two brothers should be.

"Why, father Maxy?" I asked softly. "Kevin was my big brother. I knew everything would be okay with mom and dad if Kevin was around. He was my safety net. I counted on him for so much." I said as I sat beside the priest.

"Be honest, young man." Maxy said as he shifted a little in his seat. "You and your brother had a bond. Yu and your brother… you two were intimate. Weren't you?"

I didn't say anything. How could he have known? Unless Kevin told him. But Kevin didn't have a reason to.

"My point is this." He said as he noticed my silence. "Things happen to us all for a reason. Your brother is gone, yes, but he will be okay. You need to let go of all the feelings you hold. You need to not be so angry at him, or the world, or at your friend Kyle. He is just trying to help you out."

I went back home to Kyle, who was sitting in his room on his bed talking on his phone. He looked white and angry.

"There he is!" he shouted. "If mom and dad get me in trouble cuz of this pisspoor bastard he is out of here and back to jail!" he shouted as he slammed his phone shut. "Where have you been, Kenneth Stuart McCormick?" he shouted.

Uh oh. Use of middle name. That… is… harsh. And usually means trouble.

"I went to church. I went there, and found Father Maxy."I said as I took off my Mysterion costume and changed back into street clothes.

Kyle was quiet the whole time. I sat down beside him and stared out the open window. He didn't speak, and I didn't either.

"Tell me about it." He said softly.

I knew he wasn't talking about the visit with father Maxy. Which still didn't make sense. Come to think of it, this whole … event doesn't make sense.

Father Maxy's words had me thinking though. Everything does happen to us for a reason. This all started when I asked Stan if I could use his laptop for a … "Project." I spent three hours on it, and drained one battery. I was looking for the perfect Meth recipe. I needed to find something I could give to mom and dad to help us get by. So, I did. I found a good recipe and I showed it to all of them..

We started finding it easy to acquire all the ingredients. Kevin got some of them, mom and dad did too. I found it easy to cook with them, but I'd never taste it. Kevin and I promised each other never to taste our creations. Meth was not to enter our system, no matter how. Dad would always try and make us, but it never worked.

We had always been taken care of. I always said that Karma was a bitch when she was mean to us, but she was a goddess when she gave us what we needed to get by. Now I find Karma being totally unfair. Kevin was gone. Mom and dad were in jail, and I was alone. I had no one from my family anymore. Granted I still had my friends. Even Fatass Cartman. But I had nothing.

Instead of everything getting better after I found the recipe, everything just steadily declined and got worse. I got into trouble with the school, Kevin dropped out, my mom and dad started fighting more and more. We had to move our lab in order to keep from getting caught. Although, Barbrady was… _is, so stupid he passed us by at least a dozen times and never once suspected something was going on. And you know how police try and teach you what to look for in a meth lab? Our location always smelled like cat piss and smoke. I mean, it was breath taking. It literally made you choke.

Kevin was my piece of good Karma. He made sure I had everything needed. He made sure I had everything. Now I'm stuck here. I can't die, and I'm alone.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

**May the lord protect me as the world gets hectic. … My voice projected, my life reflected.**

I smiled as I looked at Kyle. He smiled with tears in his eyes as he looked at me.

"Kenny, I want you to be happy." He said softly. "I'm really sorry that happened to your brother." He said as he hiccupped.

"Me too." I whispered.

Two days later I was in the hospital. I had tried to kill myself, and failed miserably. Great, Kev. I can't even commit suicide on my own.

"Mr. McCormick, there is a Kyle Broflovski here to see you." Said the nurse as she stepped aside to reveal a small figure.

"You disappoint me." Kyle said as he stepped over to me and laid a hand on my shoulder.

"I know." I whispered as I felt hot tears in my eyes.

I saw him bend down and felt him wrap his arms around me. I couldn't help falling prey to my own emotions as I began to cry silently into Kyle. He didn't move away.

Five minutes later the door to my room opened and Kyle came walking in. A very strange man was standing behind him. He carried his doctor's bag with him, and another tray ladened with a bunch of other supplies. I smiled at both of them. He closed the door to my room, and locked it. Kyle sat down in a chair to my left. The man came over and smiled at me.

"Hello, Kenny." He said softly. "I'm here to help you."

Before I could say anything at all, he was leaning over me with a vial of strange strong smelling stuff. I stared at him, and he injected me. I felt so confused! I didn't know what or why he was doing… whatever he was doing. I fell asleep.

… … … … …

There was a knock at the door. Fuck. My head was foggy. I felt so… I didn't want to move from where I was. "Come in." I said without any real emotion in my voice.

"Get up, Kenneth." Said a familiar voice in the distance. "Open the door."

The knocking wouldn't stop. I finally got up and pulled the door open. Oh shit!

"Kevin!" I shouted as I stared at my bigger brother.

"Hey baby bro." he said bending down and hugging me. The familiar smell of weed and cologne came to me. He smiled as our arms wrapped around each other.

"Hey, Kenny." He said smiling. "How are you today, lil' bro?" he asked.

"How are you here?" I asked looking at him with tears in my eyes.

"I'm not." He said as he pushed me into the room again..

"But I can see you! Can feel you!" I said sitting on his lap as he sat on the cot.

"I know. But only you." He said.

He drew me close to him and kissed me. His lips pressing warmly and familiarly into mine.

"I want you to be strong for us, Kenny. Someday we'll meet again." He said as he pulled away. "You need to stay strong. You need to get mom and dad out of jail."

"Dude, that's a felony." I said looking at him strangely. "There's no way—"

"Just wait. Things will work themselves out." He said softly. "Get mom and dad help."

"Will I ever see you again?" I asked.

"Yes." Kevin said smiling. "You can be sure that you will."

… … … … …

I was holding Kyle's hand when I woke up. I stared at the place where Kevin had been. He was gone. I stared back at the door, and Kyle.

"Kenneth?" the man asked looking at me.

"What did you give me! I asked looking daggers at him.

"Nothing, Kenneth." He said smiling back at me. "I gave you nothing."

"Ready to go home?" Kyle asked the following week.

"Sure." I said as I slid into a faded pair of blue jeans.

… … … … …

Kevin,

I just wanted you to know that I love you. No one or no thing can ever amount to what you mean to me. As a brother, friend, and guide. You showed me how to do so many things I wouldn't be able to do had you not been here. We both know that dad isn't in a state of mind to really teach a son how to do certain things. But thanks. I love you always. I will think of you always. You will be the first thing I think of when I wake, and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep. I hope you are doing well. I miss you, and see you soon. Because you can rest assure that I will see you again. We are not done yet, Kevin.

Love, Kenny S. McCormick

I folded the letter and tucked it into the hollow of the grave stone. I smiled at the stone, and stared at the carved letters that held my brother's name. I reached out and touched the grave, and smiled as hot tears filled my eyes. Kyle right beside me.

"I love you, big brother." I said softly as I pulled my hood down to show my face. "I'll see you in a bit."

Kyle and I both grasped hands, and said a quick prayer. Then stepped back and slowly walked away. I held his hand the whole way to the car. We both climbed in, and the engine started up. I was being swept away. Just as Kevin's body was, too.

**Author's note:**

I don't know where this story came from. I swear. I was just really hella depressed over the last fortnight or… three months to be exact. I decided I'd do this and see where it took me. If anyone as anything to say… bring it. I'll be waiting with bated breath. Thank you for those of you who stuck around. Thank you for those of you who review(ed). See you next time. PEACE!


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